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  • Funnies / Jokes

    Heres a couple to start the joke thread. Zane


    EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (and monkey bike owners of any age):

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

    With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

    Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

    Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

    After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

    Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


    The Bacon Tree

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

    They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

    'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
    Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

    'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

    'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

    'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?
    We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

    'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

    And with that... Luis Races towards the tree.

    He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

    It is clear he is mortally
    wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

    'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

    'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees


    Eees a Ham Bush.


    Tool Descriptions

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly- stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh *..'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Most often the tool used by all women.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

    If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

    15/16 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

    FLAT-HEAD SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Adelaide Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

    POCKET KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents within cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as car seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

    Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

    MICROMETER...A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments of one thousand of an inch. In emergency situations it can double as a 'C' clamp.

    CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable wrench used in place of proper tool.

    Generally rounds off bolts slower than pliers, but with same effect. Also used as hammering device, usually on concrete followed by loud cursing.

  • #2
    A battery and some jumper leads walk into a bar. Barman says, " I hope you haven't come in to start anything".

    A firecracker and a battery hold up a bank, both get caught. Cops decide to charge one and let the other off.
    Once I thought I was wrong, I was mistaken

    Comment


    • #3
      zane is the king so far with the tool description.
      what about human tools zane??

      what ya got on that subject man.??

      g man.

      Comment


      • #4
        Davo: Is there a problem, Officer?

        Officer: Yes sir you were speeding.

        Davo: Oh, I see.

        Officer: Can I see your license please?

        Davo: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

        Officer: Don't have one?

        Davo: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

        Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

        Davo: I can't do that.

        Officer: Why not?

        Davo: I stole this car.

        Officer: Stole it?

        Davo: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

        Officer: You what?

        Davo: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want
        to see.

        The Officer looks at ol mate, slowly backs away to his car, and
        calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
        officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

        Officer 2: Mate could you step out of your vehicle please!

        Davo steps out of his Commo.

        Davo: Is there a problem sir?

        Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
        car and murdered the owner.

        Davo: Murdered the owner?

        Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car,
        please.

        Ol mate opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

        Officer 2: Is this your car ?

        Davo: Yeah mate, here are the rego papers.

        The first officer is stunned.

        Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
        license.

        Davo digs into his bumbag and pulls out his license. He looks quite puzzled.

        Officer 2: Thank you..... one of my officers told me you didn't
        have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
        up the owner.

        Davo: Betcha the lying prick told you I was speeding too !
        Classic Honda 50's Australia - Visit our online store at - www.classichonda50saustralia.com.au

        PERFORMANCE, REPRODUCTION AND OEM PARTS TO SUIT OLD AND NEW HONDA AND OTHER 4 STROKE MINIBIKES AND MOTORBIKES INCLUDING KAWASAKI, YAMAHA AND SUZUKI.

        Parts to Suit: Honda Z50A, Z50J1, Z50JZ, Z50R, Z50JDM, Z50M, QA50, QR50, MR50, XR50, CRF50, ATC70, CT70, CZ100, MSX125 (Grom), ST70, SL70, XL70, TRX70, XR75, XR80, TRX90, Kawasaki KLX110 and Z125 models to name a few.

        Comment


        • #5
          - Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.


          - Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."


          - A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


          - The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"


          - A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"


          - A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


          - A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
          Classic Honda 50's Australia - Visit our online store at - www.classichonda50saustralia.com.au

          PERFORMANCE, REPRODUCTION AND OEM PARTS TO SUIT OLD AND NEW HONDA AND OTHER 4 STROKE MINIBIKES AND MOTORBIKES INCLUDING KAWASAKI, YAMAHA AND SUZUKI.

          Parts to Suit: Honda Z50A, Z50J1, Z50JZ, Z50R, Z50JDM, Z50M, QA50, QR50, MR50, XR50, CRF50, ATC70, CT70, CZ100, MSX125 (Grom), ST70, SL70, XL70, TRX70, XR75, XR80, TRX90, Kawasaki KLX110 and Z125 models to name a few.

          Comment


          • #6
            hahahahahahaha pee funny
            You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

            Comment


            • #7

              Comment


              • #8
                This is interesting

                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuI6GTY9eVc

                Comment


                • #9
                  After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.



                  ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!



                  In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.



                  Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.



                  A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, fork the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?



                  Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"



                  .I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


                  Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.



                  My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    yo momma so big she has her own longitude and latitude.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      whats black + white + read all over??

                      a newspaper!!!
                      (that's the best ive got...)

                      P.S - can you still buy a newspaper??

                      g man.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        my fast build thread
                        You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Did you hear what happened to the toilet paper that crossed the road?

                          It got stuck in a crack...
                          Old hondas don't die......they wait.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            - A blonde and a brunette are standing on opposite sides of the river, the brunette yells out "How do I get to the other side?".

                            The blonde replies "You are on the other side".


                            - My mate said that if I shaved the head my bike bike will go faster, now I have no hair, my ears are cold and my bike goes just the same?
                            Classic Honda 50's Australia - Visit our online store at - www.classichonda50saustralia.com.au

                            PERFORMANCE, REPRODUCTION AND OEM PARTS TO SUIT OLD AND NEW HONDA AND OTHER 4 STROKE MINIBIKES AND MOTORBIKES INCLUDING KAWASAKI, YAMAHA AND SUZUKI.

                            Parts to Suit: Honda Z50A, Z50J1, Z50JZ, Z50R, Z50JDM, Z50M, QA50, QR50, MR50, XR50, CRF50, ATC70, CT70, CZ100, MSX125 (Grom), ST70, SL70, XL70, TRX70, XR75, XR80, TRX90, Kawasaki KLX110 and Z125 models to name a few.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
                              The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
                              With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

                              Comment

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